4th of July desserts that better represent the current America we’re living in now.

Apple pie? It’s done with us. The standard pie of July 4th has picked up its bindle and walked out the door. It doesn’t feel like it wants to be associated with our country anymore. Luckily there are other desserts ready to take its place.

Boston cream pie

Don’t let the name fool you. It’s a cake and has always been a cake. The foundation upon which it stays aloft is precarious at best. As a result, it risks falling apart with the slightest nudge. Like our own democracy, this pie is a lie.

Flambé dessert of any kind

It may represent the smoldering forests from endless wildfires. Or the scorched earth left behind when you had no contact with a toxic family member. For whatever reason, you know that something on fire is what we deserve.

Lemon meringue pie

Fluffy white meringue covers the sour filling beneath. Sure, you can eat the best bit, but you can’t avoid the fact that someone else has to deal with the sour portion you are privileged enough to ignore.

Peach Pie

Peach pie wants you to know that everything is just fine! Don’t let a negative apple get you down. Stick with the status quo, work hard, and you’ll always get to enjoy some peach pie, the new version of the American Dream. Why are you crying!?

Fruitcake

Like the nation’s deep-seated two-party system, this cake is going nowhere. It represents the problems we pass to different generations who begrudgingly accept them. It also reflects the current fact that everything is more tolerable when you add copious amounts of alcohol.

Cake mix confection

You’re working overtime to pay for basic groceries. You’ve got zero extra minutes. Anyone can make this classic American dessert after a 13-hour shift that includes the long commute resulting from a mandatory return to office policy and a lack of focus on our aging roadways.